|
Smoke and Mirrors ..
|
|
|
By:
|
fiery_phoenix
|
|
Mood:
|
Confused
|
|
Date:
|
Feb 09 2010, 7:00 am
|
|
Music:
|
None
|
|
|
Smoke & Mirrors ..
This lifestyle ..
Is starting to feel like ..
All smoke and mirrors ..
Nothing tangible ..
All talk and no trousers ..
Foolish men ..
Foolish liers ..
Sad fantasists ..
players .. kinksters ..
fetishists ..
It all seems rather sad really ..
I may well be searching for something ..
That does not even exist ..
Except in my own head ..
How sad am I then ..
As sad as the saddest of the players ..
Me the fantasis ..
Never thought that would be me ..
Never thought I could wish for something so hard ..
That as I wished for it ..
It would simply float away ..
Just out of reach ..
Never quite on solid ground ..
Constantly battling with who and what I am ..
Trying desparately to keep hope ..
Hope to find someone who fits me ..
Someone who wants me .. truly ..
Now is that a fantasists dream ..
Or is that just me being impatient ..
Sometimes I want this Lifestyle so badly ..
It hurts .. truly hurts ..
When things seem so right ..
When He seems so true ..
Then pulls the rug from under me ..
I recoil in horror .. at my trusting Him ..
My heart in tatters ..
Unbelieving how shallow and spineless ..
Doms can be ..
How can I respect someone who is spineless ..
A Dom who has a distinct lack of courage ..
Someone who I would never be able to trust ..
And then they want to be my friend ..
It wont work ..
I trust my friends as I trust Doms ..
If I dont even trust You to be straight with me ..
Why would I want You to be my friend ..
Doesnt work .. will never work ..
I am a black and white girl ..
If You say its over .. then .. quite simply .. its over ..
I dont do blending to be "just friends"
Yes I am hurting .. yes I am confused ..
But being my friend ..
Will not solve that ..
It will simply dig the knife in deeper ..
I cant do that to myself ..
I can not self sacrifice my hurt ..
To make You feel "less guilty" ..
For causing it in the first place ..
Your fault .. Your problem .. Your guilt .. NOT mine ..
I will lick my wounds ..
As I am apt to do ..
Stay in the dark for a while ..
Then come out when I feel ready ..
You cant push me into being Your friend ..
I wont be pushed .. pulled .. blackmailed .. or coersed ..
I do things that I CHOOSE to do ..
Not because I feel guilty or otherwise ..
I suppose I can have my sharp edge too ..
Pity anyone on the receiving end ..
I do feel guilty for that ..
Therefore I dont argue
With many that I care about ..
or have once cared about ..
I keep my own counsel ..
I dont wish to cause hurt ..
I feel the guilt for that ..
Too harshly even for me to deal with sometimes ..
Therefore .. I stay silent ..
And heal in my own way ..
I hope You are happy with Your decision ..
But also .. I hope You miss my open messages ..
Words from my heart and soul ..
Words I wish I had kept to myself ..
And never voiced them ..
Never opend up to this hurt ..
I never wanted this ..
I wanted to be just friends ..
Thats what we agreed orignally ..
But that was not enough for You ..
It was fine with me ..
A slow eddy of emotions .. stirring away ..
So now .. I sit and heal my hurt ..
Slowly licking them .. slowly healing ..
With the help of my friends ..
My true friends ..
Those around me who love me for me ..
Who want me to be happy ..
And dont wish to solve their own guilt ..
I am not sudacreme .. find Your own .. tis not me ..
phoenix .. February 2010 ..
|
|
|
|
MEMBER COMMENTS
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
